Loss. This was the subject of my third Daily create #tdc1368. This was actually done a few days after it was posted, as it took a little time to think about. We had to write a short story beginning with the prompt ‘What would I have done if I had not lost..’.
This seems to have been open to some interpretation, some writing fictional stories, other writing something true and personal, others simply writing a sentence! What I decided to do, was something personal and dear to my heart.
What would I have done if I had not lost Harry.
First, let me tell you what I wouldn’t have done. I wouldn’t have cried after finishing my first year (here), I wouldn’t have had my world shattered and come crashing down on me, and I wouldn’t (yet) have a remembrance tattoo. I would have been elated at finishing my first year of Media Production, and ecstatic to go home and see him and the other three members of my family at home. Instead, my home, though still filled with love and most of my family, felt empty, and strange at being a family of four instead of five.
If I had not lost Harry, I would not have mourned would not still be mourning, but, I also would not have kicked myself up the bum to get out of the bad life situation I was currently in, and realise that I wasn’t happy, and that I didn’t deserve to feel that way on a daily basis. I wouldn’t have forced myself to have more self respect and care, and while of course I would have preferred to do those things AND not lose Harry, I don’t think I could have. The all consuming, true sadness of grief helped to me differentiate between that and my mind haze of anxiety and depression, and to truly begin my journey to self-love. I miss him everyday, but I also know, that in basically every other way, I am doing so much better than I was 5 months ago. I don’t know what kind of magic he had where he could, and still does, help me with anything and everything. He was my coping method when I was in my worst days of depression, he helped keep me afloat on my days where I couldn’t think straight, and he’s lifted me out of dark days now.
So, what would I have done if I had not lost Harry? Used every minute of my summer to be with him, and not pushed myself to do anything else.
Bethany Lockett (@BettyWildling) October 26, 2015